BTS: Why You

"Why You?" is an English phrase repeated often in a song I like by Korean singer IU from her most recently released EP. Like the majority of songs floating out there in the universe this one is about a subject most often brought up by people in their day to day lives, most commonly in the month of February, when store displays turn red and pink and bulge with hearts, flowers, and chocolate.

I don't remember all of the English translation of the song but that's where the title of this poem came from. Like many I found myself thinking about my own relationships this month, and when I started to look back on certain things and wrote this poem it made me think of this song.

In the song when IU repeats "why you?" "think of you" "wait for you" "love you" she is talking about someone she loved that she's trying to get over, and is wondering why she still loves them. When you're trying your hardest to get over someone one of the hardest things to do at the conclusion of a relationship is to ask yourself why you liked them.

In life there can be many reasons why something didn't work out, not all of them ideal, you may even find yourself struggling to think of some if the rose colored glasses are still there and the pain is fresh, but what happened happened. Even if it takes a few years to realize it.

When you finally get to a place where it's okay for you to think of that person and look back on the relationship without much pain or hard feelings, you might finally be reaching a place where you are able to heal.


Poem

Dear Diary, I wasn't able to handle being in a relationship. And that's okay.

My first relationship came into being when I was 23, and ended in a train wreck when I was 24. I won't give too many details away out of respect for the person I was involved with, who I still love and care for very much, but as an undiagnosed high functioning autistic with extreme OCPD who is working her way up to being diagnosed and discovering a heck of a lot about herself, the experience left a huge mark on me.

All my life I've never been able to connect with people. When you factor in the fact that I was the loner obsessive career type who tends to avoid drama at all costs, especially because I knew I probably wouldn't be able to handle the emotional trauma and didn't know why, it boded well for me in the first quarter of my life.

I never liked anybody enough or wanted a relationship. I only knew that emotionally something wasn't quite right and things would only end badly. I've spent most of my life being "off," in a sense, only sticking to emotions I could handle and wouldn't create chaos in my world. Since I was young I numbed myself to survive in a world that was hectic because it was easier, and as I got older and started unraveling my mess, I was able to pull more emotions out and develop them into shoots.

When I started falling for the person I dated at 24, I had a lot of padlocks unfurled at my feet, but I wasn't looking for anybody to save me. When I started liking this person, it came as a complete surprise. I couldn't get away, kind of literally, and for the first time in my life I found myself actually wanting a relationship with somebody, who I may or may not have unrealistically seen as someone special.

I'm not that familiar with love in the autistic sense yet so someone enlighten me or recommend me some literature, but I thought I had nurtured enough emotional shoots to handle things, so I decided to give it a go. I had spent my entire life avoiding such circumstances. Watching other people get bit by the love bug and feeling relieved it didn't happen to me, but I have to admit I did wonder at times when exactly it would.

The fact that it happened at 24 is a little abnormal, but everyone has their own timeframe. For the first time in my life there were hearts in my eyes and I couldn't help but think wow. The relationship officially lasted 1 month. It was sweet, but also horrifyingly stressful. I did not know that being in a relationship would trigger my mental illnesses so much.

The newness of the situations I was in and emotional homework lended itself to be such a burden at times that it was difficult to think straight and I was left in whorls of pain and infatuation. I really liked this person. And by some miracle, they liked me. But it was bad timing.

I was still unpacking myself. And it couldn't be helped. When it was over I experienced heartbreak again, x2, for friend and more, gets easier the second time around, and the emotional distress made some of my symptoms get worse, even brought up a new one which I didn't even know I had, I lightly touched an open book to my forehead while thinking about it and ended up almost banging my fist on my forehead repeatedly, but I survived. I don't regret it.

In that way, my first love story ended. I loved the person, but it wasn't the right time. I hope they are doing well:)

BTS: 365 Days Outfit Project

At some point during the past 3 years, I started taking pictures of the lower half of my body. Being an ex-fashion design major, and a devout lover of clothing and beautiful things, I've tried a lot of styles. OOTDs aren't really my thing, unless I'm hanging around with someone who likes to take pictures, but I really liked the way some of the clothes I wore looked from my point of view, so I decided to start taking pictures and create a mini pocket book of sorts to capture certain moods.

For most OOTDs, people tend to find pretty locations and try to make it look like they're out and about. For this project however, the floor doesn't lie. I was curious about my overall style and wanted to see what I would come up with. This project is a collection of photos that summarized my life during a painful time, and the wonderful memories that came out of it. I didn't take photos everyday, only on the interesting ones, which is why the number of photos in this collection doesn't match the name, but it is what it is. Daily. (Almost.)

You are reading this BTS on the flip side of beauty. Though I had fun bringing this collection together and organizing it so it would look nice, the main point of this blog is to not only explore my creative side, but also motivate me to live. For a person like me, who recently dropped out of college because she found out she was a higher functioning Autistic and has extreme OCPD, life hits pretty hard. It's really difficult to get up everyday and not feel depressed and motivate myself to do things. 

It seems nearly impossible to go through the motions of daily living making sure that I don't overstretch my sensory limits and don't feel shitty. However, by taking pictures of my life using my phone, it kind of helped me to cope, served as a mini outlet that was solely mine that I didn't have to share if I didn't want to, that allowed me to explore, record, validate my existence, and motivated me to dress up and get out of the house.

Life so far has been pretty bad. I'm not gonna lie, even though things are a hell of a lot better, I'm still struggling everyday. But no matter how bad things get, remember there's always a flip side. Nobody is happy all the time. Shit happens, but when it does, get back on your feet and give life your best middle finger. Create a picture collage if it will help you, you never know what will come out of it. You've got this. 

Photo Project