How I Really Feel About Turning 27

Hi everyone! It's been a while.

Turning 27 I had a lot of mixed feelings, especially with the state of the world atm, so I thought I'd write a little bit about it here to try and process how I feel. I had no idea it would trigger me.

Heading into the last phase of 2020, we are at the conclusion of another filler year, new for everyone else but for me the 3rd after dropping out of college because of mental illness and floating(embracing the uncertainty of minimally structured adult life without school), one that I didn't know was going to be one or was hoping I guess wouldn't be judging from my current progress of social development. 

I'd spent the past 2 years doing all I can to learn about myself and my mental illnesses, what exactly they are, what they entail, how they work and influence my thoughts, behaviors, and actions since I was a child, and now after 3 I know quite a fair amount. All without being officially diagnosed, which I believe is a privilege, expensive and not worth it to be misdiagnosed multiple times, common for females/people like me who spent their whole lives feeling like they were different and didn't figure it out until later on, might get officially diagnosed sometime in the future who knows, but the point is, after 3 years, even knowing quite a fair amount and doing all I can do on a personal level to learn to live with my neurology, sometimes, most times, really, OCPD, it feels like it's not enough. 

There's still so much about myself and life to discover, and even though I know so much and knew that I wouldn't be able to manage everything in such little time, most likely it will take the rest of my life, or a good chunk, learning to live with disability, all I can do I guess is just try my best to learn to live with it, now knowing.

Since I'm one of the only Colored Female Adult Autistics I've met in person, I want to be honest about the state of my life, in the hopes that my story will resonate with someone in a similar situation, help, and continue to make progress towards feeling peaceful about it, even amidst relentless OCPD perfectionism about being unable to be normal. I never was.

And that's fine, but life would be a hell of a lot easier if I wasn't writing this with an untreated sinus infection from the beginning of the year and struggling with executive function to keep my brains, which have felt like they've been slowly turning to mush in this pandemic, sharper. (One of my last goals to accomplish this year before we add a number.)

So, turning 27. Oh gosh. Mixed feelings^^'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' 

How do I feel about it? Well, at first, I guess a few months before my actual birthday, I was actually feeling pretty good about it. 26 was a struggle, and after working hard at my own pace I was looking forward to leaving it behind and upping a level. I enjoyed being 26, but the idea of 27 felt so much more official, more adult, while being 26, I still felt like somewhat of a kid. (Always been a late bloomer, and I'm okay with that:)' lies!*)

Anywho, it felt good to be a little older, while also keeping my eye out for 30. 

Typing it out however, was a bit of a shock. Crap. I'm 27. That's 3 years away from 30. What have I done with my life exactly? Not very much according to my OCPD. Logically feeling depressed kind of makes sense, but to feel so depressed and triggered staring at the number on my Instagram profile, so much so that I didn't even want to look at or acknowledge it when I logged on is kind of a travesty. (You should celebrate! No, I don't want to, even if we're in a pandemic💔)

I blew out a Polar Pizza with my family, Baskin Robbins version of a mint chocolate chip ice cream cake, had some Thanksgiving leftovers, and blanked out on the wish. I have no idea what I wished for when I turned 26, if anything, but I guess the only thing it made sense to wish for at the time was to be happy. (Not bad, right? Too generic?) And to do the same the next year, and the next year, and the next year...

And I guess that's all I want. The problem is though, that realistically, no idea who I'm channeling right now to get this blogging voice, is that happiness looks different and depends per person, and that is why being a young adult or more official adult is so stressful.

I want to be happy. Inner voice from the nethermost depths of your soul automatically whispers back: how? WELL, I don't really know^^'

But it's my job to find out

BTS: Why You

"Why You?" is an English phrase repeated often in a song I like by Korean singer IU from her most recently released EP. Like the majority of songs floating out there in the universe this one is about a subject most often brought up by people in their day to day lives, most commonly in the month of February, when store displays turn red and pink and bulge with hearts, flowers, and chocolate.

I don't remember all of the English translation of the song but that's where the title of this poem came from. Like many I found myself thinking about my own relationships this month, and when I started to look back on certain things and wrote this poem it made me think of this song.

In the song when IU repeats "why you?" "think of you" "wait for you" "love you" she is talking about someone she loved that she's trying to get over, and is wondering why she still loves them. When you're trying your hardest to get over someone one of the hardest things to do at the conclusion of a relationship is to ask yourself why you liked them.

In life there can be many reasons why something didn't work out, not all of them ideal, you may even find yourself struggling to think of some if the rose colored glasses are still there and the pain is fresh, but what happened happened. Even if it takes a few years to realize it.

When you finally get to a place where it's okay for you to think of that person and look back on the relationship without much pain or hard feelings, you might finally be reaching a place where you are able to heal.


Poem

BTS: A Poem After a Long Time

Only ever fallen in love twice, the first I've written several poems about, the second, it's best not to think about.

Poem

Dear Diary, I wasn't able to handle being in a relationship. And that's okay.

My first relationship came into being when I was 23, and ended in a train wreck when I was 24. I won't give too many details away out of respect for the person I was involved with, who I still love and care for very much, but as an undiagnosed high functioning autistic with extreme OCPD who is working her way up to being diagnosed and discovering a heck of a lot about herself, the experience left a huge mark on me.

All my life I've never been able to connect with people. When you factor in the fact that I was the loner obsessive career type who tends to avoid drama at all costs, especially because I knew I probably wouldn't be able to handle the emotional trauma and didn't know why, it boded well for me in the first quarter of my life.

I never liked anybody enough or wanted a relationship. I only knew that emotionally something wasn't quite right and things would only end badly. I've spent most of my life being "off," in a sense, only sticking to emotions I could handle and wouldn't create chaos in my world. Since I was young I numbed myself to survive in a world that was hectic because it was easier, and as I got older and started unraveling my mess, I was able to pull more emotions out and develop them into shoots.

When I started falling for the person I dated at 24, I had a lot of padlocks unfurled at my feet, but I wasn't looking for anybody to save me. When I started liking this person, it came as a complete surprise. I couldn't get away, kind of literally, and for the first time in my life I found myself actually wanting a relationship with somebody, who I may or may not have unrealistically seen as someone special.

I'm not that familiar with love in the autistic sense yet so someone enlighten me or recommend me some literature, but I thought I had nurtured enough emotional shoots to handle things, so I decided to give it a go. I had spent my entire life avoiding such circumstances. Watching other people get bit by the love bug and feeling relieved it didn't happen to me, but I have to admit I did wonder at times when exactly it would.

The fact that it happened at 24 is a little abnormal, but everyone has their own timeframe. For the first time in my life there were hearts in my eyes and I couldn't help but think wow. The relationship officially lasted 1 month. It was sweet, but also horrifyingly stressful. I did not know that being in a relationship would trigger my mental illnesses so much.

The newness of the situations I was in and emotional homework lended itself to be such a burden at times that it was difficult to think straight and I was left in whorls of pain and infatuation. I really liked this person. And by some miracle, they liked me. But it was bad timing.

I was still unpacking myself. And it couldn't be helped. When it was over I experienced heartbreak again, x2, for friend and more, gets easier the second time around, and the emotional distress made some of my symptoms get worse, even brought up a new one which I didn't even know I had, I lightly touched an open book to my forehead while thinking about it and ended up almost banging my fist on my forehead repeatedly, but I survived. I don't regret it.

In that way, my first love story ended. I loved the person, but it wasn't the right time. I hope they are doing well:)

BTS: Egg Basket

She loves me, He loves me not...

One of the key pieces of advice I always try to keep in mind in life is to "be careful not to put all your eggs in one basket." Whether that applies to work, money, love, or friends, you never know what can happen so sometimes it's best to tread lightly.

Mickey Ears!

I made this wall hanging out of some fake flower stems I had lying around and a basket that came with a gift. It seemed like a shame to follow old consumer habits and throw it away after the treats were devoured, so I decided to keep it and find it a use.

I've been playing a lot with fake flowers recently and had a lot of stems lying around so I thought it would be cool to pair them together. Initially I was going to put some foam at the bottom and fill it with flowers, but I thought that this might be better.

As I stabbed the stems through the heart shaped basket I couldn't help but wonder if I got some closure or piece of mind for all those who have ever had their heart broken. 

Whether romantic or in a platonic way, there are many ways to break it. No matter how much we want something we always have to have thick skin and be prepared when things don't work out in the way we want them to. But in the end it can be comforting to know that you tried. To all those in love with someone or something, this one's for you. I sincerely hope that you get what you're wishing for.

Le Basket

BTS: Stump

For the longest time I've been trying to figure out how to finish this poem. When you're burnt out and you have writers block, culmination of spending the past year doing nothing but getting over life and writing a ton of poems, it can get really frustrating when you have an idea you really like but are unable to come up with a way to bring it to being.

Moments like this are bane for writers. Instead of spending all day on a mediocre date with a blank white page, what I tend to do when one of them overstays its welcome is one of two things: force something to be there that isn't and relentlessly tinker till brains fry, or just leave it and set it aside until I'm able to revisit it later when inspiration strikes.

Stump isn't even a poem really, merely a small piece of the amount of thoughtage that can go through a person's mind as they go about their day to day, Rupi Kaur style, but I really liked the end result and wanted it to pack a punch and pay homage to Briggs.

After a few weeks of shelving the draft, keeping the idea warm and on call until the timing was right, this morning as I finished brushing my teeth it came to me. How to finish the poem. I needed to embrace my inner drama queen. And there you have it:)

What's your personality type? How does it make you feel? Comment below!


Clip