Dear Diary, I wasn't able to handle being in a relationship. And that's okay.

My first relationship came into being when I was 23, and ended in a train wreck when I was 24. I won't give too many details away out of respect for the person I was involved with, who I still love and care for very much, but as an undiagnosed high functioning autistic with extreme OCPD who is working her way up to being diagnosed and discovering a heck of a lot about herself, the experience left a huge mark on me.

All my life I've never been able to connect with people. When you factor in the fact that I was the loner obsessive career type who tends to avoid drama at all costs, especially because I knew I probably wouldn't be able to handle the emotional trauma and didn't know why, it boded well for me in the first quarter of my life.

I never liked anybody enough or wanted a relationship. I only knew that emotionally something wasn't quite right and things would only end badly. I've spent most of my life being "off," in a sense, only sticking to emotions I could handle and wouldn't create chaos in my world. Since I was young I numbed myself to survive in a world that was hectic because it was easier, and as I got older and started unraveling my mess, I was able to pull more emotions out and develop them into shoots.

When I started falling for the person I dated at 24, I had a lot of padlocks unfurled at my feet, but I wasn't looking for anybody to save me. When I started liking this person, it came as a complete surprise. I couldn't get away, kind of literally, and for the first time in my life I found myself actually wanting a relationship with somebody, who I may or may not have unrealistically seen as someone special.

I'm not that familiar with love in the autistic sense yet so someone enlighten me or recommend me some literature, but I thought I had nurtured enough emotional shoots to handle things, so I decided to give it a go. I had spent my entire life avoiding such circumstances. Watching other people get bit by the love bug and feeling relieved it didn't happen to me, but I have to admit I did wonder at times when exactly it would.

The fact that it happened at 24 is a little abnormal, but everyone has their own timeframe. For the first time in my life there were hearts in my eyes and I couldn't help but think wow. The relationship officially lasted 1 month. It was sweet, but also horrifyingly stressful. I did not know that being in a relationship would trigger my mental illnesses so much.

The newness of the situations I was in and emotional homework lended itself to be such a burden at times that it was difficult to think straight and I was left in whorls of pain and infatuation. I really liked this person. And by some miracle, they liked me. But it was bad timing.

I was still unpacking myself. And it couldn't be helped. When it was over I experienced heartbreak again, x2, for friend and more, gets easier the second time around, and the emotional distress made some of my symptoms get worse, even brought up a new one which I didn't even know I had, I lightly touched an open book to my forehead while thinking about it and ended up almost banging my fist on my forehead repeatedly, but I survived. I don't regret it.

In that way, my first love story ended. I loved the person, but it wasn't the right time. I hope they are doing well:)

BTS: Dare to be Different (OCPD Story)

Funny thing about OCPD: it causes you to be horribly perfectionistic, in everything in life. To the point where it's incredibly difficult to finish whatever you start. Your mind is stuck in a sort of repetitive maze, centered on doing anything you can to perfect yourself, your life, and the lives of those around you, and it's really hard to find your bearings.

As a child I always tried to avoid making things with other people around because it would take me a long time to finish. Because I was young, an Undiagnosed Autistic, and didn't know any better, and was raised in a culture where parents expected the best of their kids and didn't really communicate often with them, or had any idea that thinking in such a way was odd, I mean really, how does one do studying perfectly?, the toxic cycle continued unnoticed and plagued me into adulthood.

College was a struggle, and by the time I noticed that my behavior patterns and ways of thinking were wrong, it became too much. I got triggered just from working on schoolwork, and became really depressed. Asides from writing, where one can just sit down and open the computer or print out copies on recycled paper and edit edit edit, no single career was enough, previously I had pursued Fashion Design, and getting a creative project up to my standards without abandoning it seemed like a pipe dream.

I loose passion really fast. If something isn't perfect and doesn't feel right any more I usually end up leaving it behind and moving on to another project. My room is strewn with the relics of forgotten projects and obsessions. As a now conscious adult I've learned to manage things better, but I still actively try to avoid situations where I'm pitted against my OCPD. I'm that person who will tend to sit there for hours after everyone has finished trying to complete a work. Too long ago my cousins invited me to a drink and paint night. We had all reached that ripe age where we were legally able to experiment with alcohol, and though I was never much of a painter and had already decided beforehand that I wouldn't make anything, towards the end I decided to do give it a shot.

I didn't end up finishing the painting as predicted, not till today, quite a shameful and embarrassing thing, literally months later, but it was still a lot of fun to drink and pick up a pencil. When I paint I sit and sketch out what I want to paint before filling it in. Layers and adding dimension makes as much sense to me as learning how to play an instrument, and in thinking about I wanted to paint the most therapeutic and peaceful thing was the first thing that popped into my head. I have a love affair with goldfish, so I decided to paint a bowl.

I'm terrible at drawing animals, so I Google Imaged a picture to use as a model and started sketching. I made this a long time ago so I don't quite remember how I ended up with Phineas and Ferb, but I liked the idea so I went with it. The second fish ended up being Perry instead of Ferb, and his trusty hat rested at the bottom of the bowl poised for action.

For some reason I wanted an inspirational quote to go with it, and "Dare to be Different," was the one I settled on. Something to keep in mind to read as I lived, discovered myself, and went about daily life. Since I painted this piece as a hobby and am not an artist I was going to keep it, but I found out later on that a friend of mind who is Learning Disabled and Schizophrenic, just left his dream of becoming a neuroscientist and dropped out of UCLA.

It was sad and being a fellow individual who basically failed at life because of mental illness, I understood the feeling. I felt like this painting might help him, so I decided to ask him if he wanted it. Right now he's pursuing new life with his other passion, art. He's very talented and his work is unique and amazing, but I hoped that he'd like the painting and that it would help him on his way.

When I told him about the painting he told me he'd be happy to have it, and asked me what about it reminded me of him. And though I didn't really answer as I drew a blank being put on the spot, I would say that the hat does, because he reminds me of Perry the Platypus, and the quote fits with his art. You strike me as someone who would be a secret detective and go on a lot of fun adventures:)

Painting

BTS: Egg Basket

She loves me, He loves me not...

One of the key pieces of advice I always try to keep in mind in life is to "be careful not to put all your eggs in one basket." Whether that applies to work, money, love, or friends, you never know what can happen so sometimes it's best to tread lightly.

Mickey Ears!

I made this wall hanging out of some fake flower stems I had lying around and a basket that came with a gift. It seemed like a shame to follow old consumer habits and throw it away after the treats were devoured, so I decided to keep it and find it a use.

I've been playing a lot with fake flowers recently and had a lot of stems lying around so I thought it would be cool to pair them together. Initially I was going to put some foam at the bottom and fill it with flowers, but I thought that this might be better.

As I stabbed the stems through the heart shaped basket I couldn't help but wonder if I got some closure or piece of mind for all those who have ever had their heart broken. 

Whether romantic or in a platonic way, there are many ways to break it. No matter how much we want something we always have to have thick skin and be prepared when things don't work out in the way we want them to. But in the end it can be comforting to know that you tried. To all those in love with someone or something, this one's for you. I sincerely hope that you get what you're wishing for.

Le Basket

BTS: 365 Days Outfit Project

At some point during the past 3 years, I started taking pictures of the lower half of my body. Being an ex-fashion design major, and a devout lover of clothing and beautiful things, I've tried a lot of styles. OOTDs aren't really my thing, unless I'm hanging around with someone who likes to take pictures, but I really liked the way some of the clothes I wore looked from my point of view, so I decided to start taking pictures and create a mini pocket book of sorts to capture certain moods.

For most OOTDs, people tend to find pretty locations and try to make it look like they're out and about. For this project however, the floor doesn't lie. I was curious about my overall style and wanted to see what I would come up with. This project is a collection of photos that summarized my life during a painful time, and the wonderful memories that came out of it. I didn't take photos everyday, only on the interesting ones, which is why the number of photos in this collection doesn't match the name, but it is what it is. Daily. (Almost.)

You are reading this BTS on the flip side of beauty. Though I had fun bringing this collection together and organizing it so it would look nice, the main point of this blog is to not only explore my creative side, but also motivate me to live. For a person like me, who recently dropped out of college because she found out she was a higher functioning Autistic and has extreme OCPD, life hits pretty hard. It's really difficult to get up everyday and not feel depressed and motivate myself to do things. 

It seems nearly impossible to go through the motions of daily living making sure that I don't overstretch my sensory limits and don't feel shitty. However, by taking pictures of my life using my phone, it kind of helped me to cope, served as a mini outlet that was solely mine that I didn't have to share if I didn't want to, that allowed me to explore, record, validate my existence, and motivated me to dress up and get out of the house.

Life so far has been pretty bad. I'm not gonna lie, even though things are a hell of a lot better, I'm still struggling everyday. But no matter how bad things get, remember there's always a flip side. Nobody is happy all the time. Shit happens, but when it does, get back on your feet and give life your best middle finger. Create a picture collage if it will help you, you never know what will come out of it. You've got this. 

Photo Project

BTS: Stump

For the longest time I've been trying to figure out how to finish this poem. When you're burnt out and you have writers block, culmination of spending the past year doing nothing but getting over life and writing a ton of poems, it can get really frustrating when you have an idea you really like but are unable to come up with a way to bring it to being.

Moments like this are bane for writers. Instead of spending all day on a mediocre date with a blank white page, what I tend to do when one of them overstays its welcome is one of two things: force something to be there that isn't and relentlessly tinker till brains fry, or just leave it and set it aside until I'm able to revisit it later when inspiration strikes.

Stump isn't even a poem really, merely a small piece of the amount of thoughtage that can go through a person's mind as they go about their day to day, Rupi Kaur style, but I really liked the end result and wanted it to pack a punch and pay homage to Briggs.

After a few weeks of shelving the draft, keeping the idea warm and on call until the timing was right, this morning as I finished brushing my teeth it came to me. How to finish the poem. I needed to embrace my inner drama queen. And there you have it:)

What's your personality type? How does it make you feel? Comment below!


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