The Obsessive Compulsive Blog About Life And Beauty
Vlog blog edition. Welcome to my worldX)///.......................................................................................................... obsessivecompulsiveli.blogspot.com
Turning 27 I had a lot of mixed feelings, especially with the state of the world atm, so I thought I'd write a little bit about it here to try and process how I feel. I had no idea it would trigger me.
Heading into the last phase of 2020, we are at the conclusion of another filler year, new for everyone else but for me the 3rd after dropping out of college because of mental illness and floating(embracing the uncertainty of minimally structured adult life without school), one that I didn't know was going to be one or was hoping I guess wouldn't be judging from my current progress of social development.
I'd spent the past 2 years doing all I can to learn about myself and my mental illnesses, what exactly they are, what they entail, how they work and influence my thoughts, behaviors, and actions since I was a child, and now after 3 I know quite a fair amount. All without being officially diagnosed, which I believe is a privilege, expensive and not worth it to be misdiagnosed multiple times, common for females/people like me who spent their whole lives feeling like they were different and didn't figure it out until later on, might get officially diagnosed sometime in the future who knows, but the point is, after 3 years, even knowing quite a fair amount and doing all I can do on a personal level to learn to live with my neurology, sometimes, most times, really, OCPD, it feels like it's not enough.
There's still so much about myself and life to discover, and even though I know so much and knew that I wouldn't be able to manage everything in such little time, most likely it will take the rest of my life, or a good chunk, learning to live with disability, all I can do I guess is just try my best to learn to live with it, now knowing.
Since I'm one of the only Colored Female Adult Autistics I've met in person, I want to be honest about the state of my life, in the hopes that my story will resonate with someone in a similar situation, help, and continue to make progress towards feeling peaceful about it, even amidst relentless OCPD perfectionism about being unable to be normal. I never was.
And that's fine, but life would be a hell of a lot easier if I wasn't writing this with an untreated sinus infection from the beginning of the year and struggling with executive function to keep my brains, which have felt like they've been slowly turning to mush in this pandemic, sharper. (One of my last goals to accomplish this year before we add a number.)
So, turning 27. Oh gosh. Mixed feelings^^''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
How do I feel about it? Well, at first, I guess a few months before my actual birthday, I was actually feeling pretty good about it. 26 was a struggle, and after working hard at my own pace I was looking forward to leaving it behind and upping a level. I enjoyed being 26, but the idea of 27 felt so much more official, more adult, while being 26, I still felt like somewhat of a kid. (Always been a late bloomer, and I'm okay with that:)' lies!*)
Anywho, it felt good to be a little older, while also keeping my eye out for 30.
Typing it out however, was a bit of a shock. Crap. I'm 27. That's 3 years away from 30. What have I done with my life exactly? Not very much according to my OCPD. Logically feeling depressed kind of makes sense, but to feel so depressed and triggered staring at the number on my Instagram profile, so much so that I didn't even want to look at or acknowledge it when I logged on is kind of a travesty. (You should celebrate! No, I don't want to, even if we're in a pandemicđź’”)
I blew out a Polar Pizza with my family, Baskin Robbins version of a mint chocolate chip ice cream cake, had some Thanksgiving leftovers, and blanked out on the wish. I have no idea what I wished for when I turned 26, if anything, but I guess the only thing it made sense to wish for at the time was to be happy. (Not bad, right? Too generic?) And to do the same the next year, and the next year, and the next year...
And I guess that's all I want. The problem is though, that realistically, no idea who I'm channeling right now to get this blogging voice, is that happiness looks different and depends per person, and that is why being a young adult or more official adult is so stressful.
I want to be happy. Inner voice from the nethermost depths of your soul automatically whispers back: how? WELL, I don't really know^^'
"Why You?" is an English phrase repeated often in a song I like by Korean singer IU from her most recently released EP. Like the majority of songs floating out there in the universe this one is about a subject most often brought up by people in their day to day lives, most commonly in the month of February, when store displays turn red and pink and bulge with hearts, flowers, and chocolate.
I don't remember all of the English translation of the song but that's where the title of this poem came from. Like many I found myself thinking about my own relationships this month, and when I started to look back on certain things and wrote this poem it made me think of this song.
In the song when IU repeats "why you?" "think of you" "wait for you" "love you" she is talking about someone she loved that she's trying to get over, and is wondering why she still loves them. When you're trying your hardest to get over someone one of the hardest things to do at the conclusion of a relationship is to ask yourself why you liked them.
In life there can be many reasons why something didn't work out, not all of them ideal, you may even find yourself struggling to think of some if the rose colored glasses are still there and the pain is fresh, but what happened happened. Even if it takes a few years to realize it.
When you finally get to a place where it's okay for you to think of that person and look back on the relationship without much pain or hard feelings, you might finally be reaching a place where you are able to heal.
Long time no read! So today, I was taking some time off from birthday activities and Thanksgiving to recharge, catching up on my favorite Youtubers, it's been a while since I've been so social and done so many things, functioned way outside my limits and burnt out pretty bad for the last few days, but this particular video caught my eye from Clothesencounters and spoke to me in a lot of ways, so I decided to come out from under my rock for a bit and talk to you guys!
Giving yourself a birthday present by following your Love Languages, I love itX)<3
It's been a while since I've talked about life, for any of you out there still following this blog or keeping up on my IG and Fb Page, even people I know who are curious about how I'm doing, where I share parts of my life and advocate for the recognition of the existence of Female Autistics and living with OCPD, currently taking a break on IG but sharing a lot of relatable stuff I've found on the internet related to life and mental health on FB!, this post will be a long time coming.
It's been so LOOOOONNNGGG!!!!
So, hmm, LIFE. Where am I at the moment? Well, I have definitely been having a hard year; or 2, really, 3? maybe 4? since in a month it'll be 2020. I feel like in the history of this blog or writing about life with OCPD every progressive year has been the hardest, don't look for those posts because they don't exist anymore, yay perfectionism!, but this one has definitely seen a lot of shit. An Autistic Brain+Excess Change Stresses:p
Gonna talk about the past 2 yrs, 2018 and 2019 which pretty much existed as a whole for me so you can get a feel for where I'm at before I dive into Love Languages.
As you guys know if you follow me on Instagram or know me, 2017 was the year I dropped out of college for good and gave up my fashion design dreams, in the name of taking care of myself better, getting to a better mental place, living life how I wanted to, not how the system wanted me, and diagnosing my mental illnesses. I know, you?! Yeah, me. I don't like to talk about it much, especially in the early times after stuff happened and the realization was still fresh, triggered me like heck and made me really depressed, typical for the eldest child of an Asian-American family who failed and is responsible for bringing honor to the family through academia and higher paying jobs, setting a good example for their siblings, and securing parental bragging rights, check out Ronny Chieng's Netflix Comedy Special Asian Comedian Destroys America for more elaboration, HILARIOUS, but it was kind of a low point; which was also a high. A real F**K it, moment.
I dropped out after spending the past 6 years trying and failing to complete my leftover coursework and senior project. Goodbye BA and Fashion Show... but at least I walked right? In my head I'm basically done with school, have all the knowledge on design I need, even though I don't like it anymore, just don't have the paper or recognition for completing a senior collection to show for it.
Anywho with my collegiate life in flames, I spent the last half of 2017 off the grid in a sense, saying fuck it to the world and doing whatever the heck I wanted; all the while knowing that after that year was done I would spend the next 2+ dealing with the differences of my brain, learning about what was different, what that meant, and trying my best to live with it. I traveled and partied a lot that year, good times lol
November 2017 was when I started to suspect that I was Autistic and had OCPD(Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, Not OCD!). After spending two decades trying my best to blend in and catch up to my peers all the while failing and feeling like I was different, a shocking reality was revealed. And it was all by chance. (Say what you will about Self-Diagnosed people, theres a large stigma behind it but I know I'm right and I've done my research, even mental health professionals can be wrong, especially when it comes to diagnosing Autistic Women/Girls, have you?) It was impossible to not think that I might not be screwed. I came across those mental illnesses and disorders the same way I found out about giving yourself a Love Languages gift, through Youtube, where I tend to watch a lot of random things. A Youtuber I had been following for a while posted a video saying that she had OCPD, and though I didn't know a lot about it at the time, merely the short dictionary definition from a brief googling, the way she acted in her videos over time and the descriptions of her life reminded me a lot of myself, even though growing up I didn't know what was wrong.
I found out about Autism after watching a show on a whim on Netflix about a boy who is Autistic named Sam, so good!, didn't know a lot about it either asides from the fact that Autism was always what the TV commercials showed sometimes about the sad blond white boy playing by himself, but after going a little deeper on these things on Google, and discovering the overlooked gender differences, as well as lack of representation for Females, Adults, and People of Color in the Autistic community, all the stuff I knew about myself growing up started to fit, had a real OH moment, especially after discovering that Female Autistics mask, learn to hide their difficulties automatically as children in order to survive around Neurotypicals(normal people) and tend to camouflage with their peers until they're older which is why they are usually missed or diagnosed in their twenties and beyond. SHIT. And nobody except for the tons of Autistic girls and women around the world who are going through the exact same thing will ever believe me.-.-'
Funny what happens to a person when they spend their entire life thinking they are normal or feel different and think that they will grow out of it eventually if they work hard enough, especially if they are Asian. Sadly to say, I never did.
I got so triggered and depressed by the thought that I was different, hardcore perfectionist, yay thank you OCPD!, I just wanted to be normal and had been working so hard all my life to be the model human, which was 10 times more work than everyone else because I had to teach myself things Autistic kids would learn in early intervention programs, like how to be social, and interact with others without weirding them out, eye contact is a big one for Autistic people, we don't tend to need to do it as often as Neurotypicals and it still makes me a little uncomfortable to do it for too long, all on my own. Without knowing I was doing it. (I just thought that everyone did those things.) I felt like I let down everyone, my life might never go anywhere, and hated the fact that my parents were from a culture that was all but clueless about such things and never noticed it or wanted to acknowledge that I was different, a child that doesn't blend in and follow the status quo is shameful and taboo, that I couldn't do any more research on it until around another year went by. 2018 was a blur. (See previous post for beginning clarification, or not! its a bit embarrassing^^)
But eventually I was able to get around being triggered. Little by little and as time went by, I was able to find out more. I bought books, read articles online, paid more attention to myself and my needs, fell into a routine, did what every college dropout or graduate would do after they part ways with the educational system. Got a dream part time job, working as an independent contractor driving for delivery services, which I've never been able to have because I couldn't stand working even 3-4 hour shifts without getting extremely exhausted, because of my Personality Disorder my supervisors tended not to like me, was obligated to get a retail job for a class I needed for my major once and that was really hard, I was fired after 3 months which luckily for me was the minimum for the class, not an experience I'd like to have again^^', and started setting things up to support myself financially though self employment, quite an adventure, all the while attempting to figure out who I was as a person and what I wanted to do with my life. While my parents cluelessly scolded me for looking like a bum every day.
Female Autistics are a very self taught kind of people. Its on the symptoms list. Mostly because we're female, even tho gender is non binary, but not in society. Mental Illness doesn't discriminate, except when it does, because gender roles have been enforced for such a long time and set upon you by society from birth, blue is for boys and pink is for girls, girls are supposed to become picture perfect housewives while boys work and support the family, that certain things go unnoticed, or missing. Back then, even today, have you ever seen an Autism ad for a non white little girl? It's all boys, and in the system, girls are the ones whose information is missing and don't exist. Because no one, including the professionals, knows the way that Autism presents itself in females is different. Autism is promoted as a male disorder, and the information that exists on it is based on research gleaned from studies on males. Except that reality is different.
I had been on my own for a while, ever since I was young figuratively, basically my whole life because my parents being the typical poor Cambodian refugees, worked all the time until they could afford a better life, I was taken care of by my great grandma, and even when I was older they didn't talk to me much or do much. For the most part I figured everything out myself, I was a quiet weird child and knew instinctively that I was not like the other kids and would have to hide it early on in Kindergarten in order to survive, I was literally always the kid who sat alone by herself at recess and snack time, watching the other kids form groups and start talking without knowing what to do, but what choice did I have but to pretend everything was fine?, I had no idea what mental illness was, let alone the existence of it, my teachers didn't see me as anything else but shy, and my parents were expecting big things from me, it's how things were.
My grandma moved in with us a little bit after I was born.We were living in a tiny little house in the ghetto of Cambodia Town, before we moved elsewhere when I hit 5th grade for a better life. As my grandma got older things got harder. Life became a set routine. We were never able to go anywhere as a family, not that my parents are avid travelers, more homebodies, but eventually she required round the clock care. We loved her but it was hard to see her age. In Asian culture, taking care of your elders is serious business, an important responsibility, one devoted to close family only. Grandma was a strong woman and life revolved around taking care of her until one fateful summer in 2018.
Because I was busy with work and life, I hadn't seen much of my grandma even tho I was living at home, let alone how our backyard changed with the seasons, I helped to give her food sometimes and with helping her to the bathroom, she could no longer walk, but when my parents told me to stay home one weekend, it was clear her time was near.
When I saw my grandma on the day she passed she looked so old, and all of a sudden I got a really clear picture of what the deterioration of the human body looked like. She was skin and bone, so frail, so different from the strong Asian lady who walked me to school and held my hand, and what was once such a main part of our family routine, what our lives revolved around for such a long time, disappeared.
Autistics hate change. We are heavily dependent on routines and verbal scripts, hello!:), and when big changes come, we freak and stress the fuck out, on an instinctual level. Inside I was freaking out, but on the outside I was the eldest child. We had to plan a lot of things real fast. Funeral, multiple temple ceremonies spread out over the course of the first 2 weeks and a 100 days, filing paperwork, all on top of no longer having anybody we needed to come home for, or give dinner regularly on time. We missed her.
Even my dad, who was laid off from his 9 to 5 quite a long time ago, said he missed taking care of his grandma; she was on my moms side.
After the funeral processions passed, life settled down for a bit, we left my grandmas room untouched for a little while as our lives adjusted to the change and we figured out what to do next with our lives. All of a sudden my parents had a lot more time. Friends and family they hadn't seen or spoken to as often in years started inviting them out for food and drinks, or just to hang out.
We were one of the first families in our extended family who had an elder pass. We all tried not to think about it too much. Just going through the motions. I lost my car in October, and suddenly had a lot of research to do. In February of 2019, one of our parakeets went to join our beloved grandma, he was almost 10 years old.
That summer my parents decided it was time to get rid of their carpets. When parents are comfortable with life, close to retirement and their kids are grown, I find that life usually goes one of two ways: they find other ways to occupy their time like taking up a hobby, or they renovate the house. Apparently this one had been in the works for a while.
While all this had been going on, in secret I had been dealing with past traumas and learning to live with my disorders. It was going to be an uphill climb all the way. I made the choice not to seek a formal diagnosis for a time as it would be difficult to find a therapist versed in the complexities of Female Autism, OCPD, and I didn't want to risk being mis-diagnosed multiple times with other mental disorders like Bi Polar Disorder or BPD, a common occurrence in the rare population of Autistic Female Adults who slipped though the cracks of tests screening Autism in children, see? I told you information on us is lacking, and being still a young age I didn't have excess resources to burn.
Since I found that I no longer liked Fashion Design, one of the worlds most wasteful industries, the world doesn't need any more pretty things, I say while I make more pretty things, and the majority of it had negative connotations from a slew of all nighters unfinished projects, hardcore perfectionist, I tend to dislike most things I've made and have trouble letting such projects go even when they are completed as I keep feeling like I could do more, I started seeking other avenues of fulfillment. Asides from fashion, the only other thing I was remotely interested in was Food, I had been fascinated with it ever since I was a child, probably because I don't remember having a lot to eat as a kid in the earlier stages of our lives, yay for SNAP and Happy Meals!, which for my parents it was kind of funny we had McDonalds at all because even eating fast food was an unnecessary expense they could avoid, my favorite childrens book as a child was The Very Hungry Caterpillar because he eats food, and the number of nonfiction books and cookbooks I'd read on the subject was steadily climbing. I had also been reading some during breaks in college for fun when I was in school for Fashion even tho I didn't want to cook for a living, home economics, what a girl is "supposed" to do, too labor intensive, spartan work ethic, male dominated industry, cooking school is based on standardized westernized techniques, mostly French or European, you have to work the line for years before you actually learn something and save up enough money to start your own restaurant and make your mark, and the products you make are subjective and tend to disappear with time, especially in fine dining, or be a chef. (Autistic Special Interest)
What could I do in that field and somehow contribute back to society as well as teach myself to be kinder to the environment and others to live more ethically? To this day I'm still not sure, but I'm figuring it out. I also still have to figure out how to buy a new car by myself with no help, I've always been stupidly independent, navigate the health care system, and figure out how to move out or go back to school. All the while being AutisticOCPD, and maybe Bipolar, a thread I'm not ready to pull at yet.
Life is hard. Which is why for my birthdays the past 2 years I've been lying low, even though 25 and 26 are good years to celebrate.We finished renovating the house, got new furniture, I moved all my stuff out of my room for a couple weeks, a taste of whats to come, most stressful summer of my existence 2019, and life attempted to settle back into normalcy. We were finally getting used to our new routines.
Suddenly it was approaching the end of the year and I was running out of time to purchase the Certified Pre-Owned vehicle of my dreams, aaaand Wisdom Teeth. Damn you, Executive Function>:( (Did I mention that as an Autistic my senses are heightened and going to the Dentist is a struggle? I have to plug in ear buds to make it through a filling, which made more than a few dentists not want to work with me as a kid, and that I hate surgery? Or rather, that I've never had it even tho one of my molars is sitting on a nerve?
Kind of dying and kind of not. I've been spending time at home alone a lot in order to avoid wasting monies on Ubers. Only when it's worth it! Luckily for me I have the best friends in the world, who don't mind picking me up to carpool to activities. One of the only things keeping me sane this year was the fact that as an adult who doesn't like to work out on the regular, one of my friends coincidentally started planning hikes every week with a new group of people we've been hanging out with. Eternally grateful<3
Yay for plus one for new friends and adulting;) But I'm not going to put to much pressure on myself to pull the triggers just yet, if it happens it happens, if not that's okay too, because I finally know why I am the way I am, am in the process of figuring out how to live with it, for the next 50ish years which is a scary thought, and that, is the biggest relief^.^
Winie's Love Languages: (feels weird to type this, a gift to myself:) It's been a while since I've taken this test so hopefully it's still accurate! Or maybe it's only the Myerrs Briggs Personality Types that can change over time?
1.) Quality Time- 10
Quite a high score. I love spending time with people I love! Even tho having chronic illnesses mean my energy levels constantly shift, are very low and expire really fast, being OCPD you're basically guaranteed to always have trouble starting and maintaining close relationships with others, maybe even ruining some of them along the way, I've lost 4 friends over the past few years, a saddening depressing thought:(', but I'm grateful to have the met the friends I do who have stuck with me throughout the years even tho I disappear frequently, require long periods alone, and limited social contact. When we do see each other in person after a long time, we have quite a ball catching up tho don't we?:) I usually make an effort to put my phone away to focus on you.
Giving myself the gift of quality time for my birthday for me means giving myself adequate time for rest. Since I had such a busy week last week, I decided to spend the rest of this week alone, recharging for the weekend. Usually after a social interaction with a lot of talking I'm burnt and crispy around the edges and a few days rest will reverse the damage, but after Thanksgiving and my Birthday my silhouette was toast. Charred. I died so hard, but I don't regret it because I made some wonderful memories. A week to recharge means a week to be alone. 5 days to clean, organize, regroup, read some books, watch TV, implement some self care, drink some hot chocolate with coffee and just be (fika!), update my calendar and prepare, for the year to come.
2.) Acts of Service- 7
"I am not an early bird or a night owl. I am some form of permanently exhausted pigeon."
Being a perfectionist and AutisticOCPD, probably Bipolar, getting things done in day to day life is really hard. Consistency is not in our names, even tho we work hella hard and plan things down to a T so we can achieve our goals. Planning takes energy but we need to do it, I need to have some sort of schedule or loosely drawn calendar with wiggle room for breaks or bad mental health days in order to get things done. I love getting cash back and the satisfaction I get from scheduling my own doctors appts, but if I don't write those things down and come up with scripts and routines for doing certain things every day or year, I'll most likely forget to do them and suffer in the sensory mania chaotic mayhem that is daily life. But if you want to do my dishes for me I'm down! Anything that makes living easier>:)
My Act of Service gift to myself is sitting down, having some spiked coffee, blasting my December Playlist, and cleaning my room. A big drawback of living with OCPD and coping with random changing phases of mania and depressive periods, basically an extreme period of productivity and a period of non-productivity, is that I tend to hoard certain things and not be able to clean as often as I'd like. In my living spaces I like to have things organized, neat and tidy and perfect within reason, but clutter piles up fast. Hoarding has a negative connotation. OCPDs are always walking the tightrope between functionality and practicality, but nothing makes you feel better than a clean room. It's like an outward extension of your mind.
3.) Physical Touch -7
Funny that this is 7 when as an Autistic person we are sensitive to touch. I've learned over the years to give people light hugs to be polite and at times express affection, but too much hugging makes me uncomfortable! Even tho I want to like it^^
I've never had a massage. I get ticklish as well and would probably end up laughing and kicking the masseuse. Not interested in getting one but I do love the Korean Spa! A routine goal of mine when i finally buy my car would be to treat myself once a month and chill. Kspa counts as touch I think because it's very relaxing to feel the warmth of the jacuzzi, which in kspas some are extremely hot, and go into the cold pool or sauna afterward. The hot and cold rooms filled with rocks and minerals are always fun and relaxing and I have so much fun lying on my back on the floor napping. Minus the mandatory nudity and sharing the spa with older Korean folks, a very relaxing experience. Plus, Kfood!
Locker Key in the Clay Room:)
4.) Words of Affirmation -4
I thought this would be higher as I like to write, read poetry, and can sometimes be very verbal and direct, almost to the point of confrontational, Autistics love asking questions if we don't know certain things and we don't know a lot, but maybe I've gleaned more information from social cues than I thought? Either that or I have polished skills from masking for 26 years.
I thought that Jenn writing a letter of positive affirmation to herself was a really cool birthday gift because it's been a while since I've had positive thoughts regarding myself and my life. I used her template as an example and changed it to fit my circumstances. (Don't forget to read it aloud to yourself to reinforce it and bid the negative vibes goodbye! It's always nice to hear positive words, even from yourself, especially when you don't get it from the people around you often and haven't been thinking that highly of yourself lately.)
Hey Winie,
Today marks the day that I have known you for 26 years. I know, where did the time go? I know that there have been so many people that have filtered in and out of your life. But I hope you know that I'm always going to have your back. I know I haven't been the best friend to you, I know I'm always the first person to tell you theres something wrong, or to criticize you, but I'm working on being kinder to you. Because you deserve it. For the past few years, I have been showing up for you, and I hope that you've noticed. I can safely say that I know you better than anybody else. I know which foods are your favorite, I know that you love Hot Cheetos and fun size Twizzlers. I know that I never say this enough to you, but I'm really proud of you. I really wish you would believe it. I'm really really proud of you and how far you've come. Please remember that you are enough, that you are worth it, and that you are smart. I feel like the educational system really fucked you up. So what if you didn't graduate from your dream school, or got the grades that you wanted, or weren't able to complete your senior collection. It doesn't mean that you're not a good designer or student. If you weren't smart you wouldn't be here where you are today. Ignore your parents. So please see and look around you at what you've achieved, you're an incredible friend, sister, daughter, bird owner, and overall a great person. Happy Birthday. I love you~
5.) Receiving Gifts -2
I love giving gifts to people I'm close with to make them smile or show them how much I love them. Receiving them tho is a different story. I always feel a little awkward and don't know quite how to act, I appreciate the gesture but yeah I don't need material things to know you care! Tho its nice to have surprises every now and then and it does help if its something I can use:)
